Our Connection Feels Stale
You still love your partner, but do you feel connected to them?
The Flicker of Doubt
In my mind, I know my partner so deeply. But when I’m with them…it feels neutral. It used to feel comfortable, and then somehow it watered-down to neutrality, like a quiet disconnection that isn’t loud enough to sound the alarm bells of couple’s therapy, but still feels like our relationship is a foggy version of the connection we once had.*
Feeling stale in your connection with your partner feels terrible.
And it’s often hard to notice when disconnection starts.
Somewhere between managing life together, and opting for a Netflix Binge instead of a make-out session, it seeped into your way of being together.
Even without pinpointing when it began or a reason why, it’s felt so deeply when you are in it.
The Story We Tell Ourselves
When you notice your own pain of feeling disconnected in your partnership, and the anxiety that it triggers, you might fear you’re not only alone in your partnership, but you’re also alone in your discontent.
They seem ok with it, almost relieved that since we’re committed, we don’t have to put in any effort anymore.
Or maybe, noticing your own anxieties about disconnection, creates an urge to analyze and detect the root cause.
My mind keeps rewinding to scan for when our relationship became stale. Was it when we became parents? Was it the new job? I want to find the beginning so we can fix it, change it, and bring our connection back.
You also might feel crestfallen. A sense of fatigue when you witness the connection you have compared to the one you both cherished in the beginning.
I was always afraid of this happening, that the powerful charge that brought us together would become tepid overtime. And I want it back, but I already feel irritated about being the one to recharge it. I’m trapped in the paradox of resentment and burnout.
Our internal stories hold some truths, but they often aren’t the whole truth.
Notice your internal stories with compassion, while also creating some space by listening to them as themes instead of facts. Themes of underlying feelings or dynamics and themes that pull from your past.
Making a little bit of space between your story around the disconnection can be like cracking a window to feel the breeze of hope. The story will likely still be there in your mind, but the space allows for a shift towards connection.
The Way Forward
Anxieties around disconnection can blind us to the warmth that still exists.
We are so busy scanning for evidence of disconnection, we don’t notice the ways our partner is reaching out, or our own warmth we feel towards them.
Notice the seeds of connection that exist in the present moment in your partnership. Don’t get distracted by your judgements (e.g. “it’s not enough” or “that doesn’t count”). We’re looking for a beginning to expand upon, not acquiescing that a seed of connection has to be the final result.
If there’s a seed of connection, then there’s an opportunity for you to water it and nurture it further.
Some examples to illustrate deepening or nurturing moments of connection that already exist:
If you connect with your partner when discussing shared stressors (like parenting or finances), name your gratitude that you have them to confide in.
If there’s a tedious chore that you need to complete together, play a song that brings back positive memories of a shared experience.
If your lives are operating on parallel tracks, notice when you think about them during the day and send a text sharing that they were in your thoughts.
And if nurturing connect feels out of reach right now, reconnect to past memories that remind you that connection is possible. I’ll elaborate further on pulling inspiration from the past in next week’s post!
Feeling disconnected in your relationship isn’t deterministic of the future of your relationship.
It’s definitely hard to experience, but seeing this current season of disconnection as a foggy day, or bad wifi connection can help you see the bigger picture of the underlying connection that exists in the “we” of your partnership and feel a little more hope about the path forward.
Share in the comments what’s resonating or working for you with all the other Hopeful Partners who are reading alongside you!
Warmly,
Gwendolyn