Secret Agendas Aren't So Secret
Trying to change your partner? Well...they can probably sense it.
The Story We Tell Ourselves
I can see our pattern, I can see what they do that triggers our fights, and frankly why wouldn’t I share that perspective? They don’t seem to be aware of it, so I feel like I should point it out. It’s not criticism…it’s education.
Falling into the trap of wanting to change your partner in order to improve your relationship is a tale as old as time. Whether it’s shared out loud or harbored as a secret agenda, it can be tempting to focus on how your partner’s behaviors are the crux of your relationship’s problems.
When couples therapists tell clients not to criticize their partners, there is usually a lot of buy-in with that general principle.
However, when there’s further exploration of how criticism can masquerade in many other forms — feedback, opinions, points of view about the other person, advice, problem solving — that’s usually when there’s more resistance.
The truth of longterm relationships is that you do get a front row seat to your partner’s patterns. All those years of observation can fuel a deep seeded belief that you know them better than anyone else…sometimes believing you know them better than they know themselves.
This belief can feel intoxicating. Thoughts like “if they could only see what I see” and “our relationship would be great if they would just [fill in the blank]!”
I’m not saying your observations are false, they can hold elements of truth.
So what’s the problem? Change isn’t going to come from sharing your opinions about them, especially when it’s tossed in their direction during a fight.
Your partner can feel your agenda, whether spoken or unspoken, and it shuts down the conversation. The feeling of your relationship as a We becomes I vs You.
Instead of having the energy of two people working together to improve a shared relationship, sensing a secret agenda can nurture a culture of comparison at best, and worst case scenario it lands as critical and controlling.
Your agenda of how they need to change often sabotages the change you are hoping for.
The Way Forward
Step One: Build Awareness of the Pattern
Notice the times when you are interacting with your partner and you have an agenda. And be honest about. Don’t find a more palatable word to help you avoid the fact that you’re approaching the conversation with an agenda…like “I don’t have an agenda…I just have some ideas that my partner should consider”. Yup. That’s an agenda.
For those of us who are planners, we often have agendas. We love to reflect on areas of improvement, and are extremely introspective about our relationships. It can build up energy and ideas we want to advocate for in the relationship.
I’m not saying agendas have to disappear completely, but you do need to know how to put your agenda to the side in order to connect with your partner with a curious and collaborative presence. Zen Buddhism refers to this as having a “beginner’s mind” or listening with “an empty cup.” Your partner will sense if you are deeply listening to their perspective instead of just waiting for your turn to speak.
If you haven’t practiced listening to your partner with an open mind, it’s time to start. Practice in low stakes conversations, listening to their point of view on something outside of your relationship, or their hopes about what they want in the future.
You are building a muscle of attuned and deep listening which will be key when it’s a conversation where you also have a strong point of view that you hope to share after hearing their perspective.
Step 2: Instead of Trying to Change your Partner, Share your Vision for your Relationship
Secret agendas are often linked to a larger vision for the ways you hope your relationship can evolve over time. Whether it’s building a sense of equity in managing the household, or increasing the playfulness you both get to experience in your down time, there is often a quiet dream that you’ve been hoping for.
When we feel insecure or hopeless about that vision, we downgrade our hopes to “at least nitpicking on the mini example right in front of us”. This is not only short-sighted but also grates on the connection and bond between the two of you that could be harnessed towards a longterm vision.
Clarify for yourself what your vision is, sometimes by identifying the value that you’re hoping for. Do you want more kindness? Or more collaboration? Maybe you’re longing for novelty and renewing how your relationship spends its time? Think about what you do want to experience in your relationship, not what you don’t want. Speaking about values that you can both grow is way more motivating and encouraging for all parties involved.
Working on a shared vision can shift the secret agendas from yesterday into hopeful collaborations for the future.
Share in the comments what visions you’re working towards and what values you are trying to build. It could offer inspiration and hope for the fellow hopeful partners reading this alongside you. :)
Warmly,
Gwendolyn